Suicide

imagesCAUCZ3GE This is the only place i knew i could share my story. It is my blog; my haven. I am writing this so that no one will guess wrongly why I did what I am about to do. I am twenty four years old and I never thought I could be suicidal. I actually used to laugh at people that were brave enough to get away with it. I’ve been looking at the containers of sniper insecticide and the bottle of hennessy for a while now. My niece’s classmate drank sniper and she died. I know that this is going to be shocking to a lot of people that know me; My family especially and I apologize. Thing is, I am a beautiful girl; not the kind that you would see on the front page of magazines, no not that kind at all. I have the kind of beauty that would make a guy cheat on his wife; The kind that would make a guy the envy of the party if I walked in with him. It is not my face, it is my body, attitude and aura all combined that made me so irresistible as someone once said. When I was younger, I used to envy my elder sister’s impeccable looks. She is one gorgeous fellow! When I grew up though, I understood that oozing sexuality is more desirable than a pretty face. It is this sexuality of mine that is my curse. It is the reason why I want to end my life; end this so called sexuality. I will try to make you understand my reasons for wanting to do this. I will tell you about some occurences in my life. When I was ten years old, my lesson teacher used to crack lewd jokes about marrying me when I grew up. He used to make me sit on his laps when he taught. I was always happy that I was the one he used to carry and not my sister seeing as she usually got all the attention. I never found out Mr Bayo’s true intention though because the only day my mother caught me on his laps was the very last day he entered our house. Then there was Pastor Ezekiel! Ah, I think that happened when I was twelve. He told my mother that I needed special deliverance and so I had to sleep in the church for three nights alone on God’s altar. On the first night, he started touching my small ‘pepper’ breasts in the name of prayers and I knew that there was something wrong. Our teacher had taught us that when someone touches us in places we are not comfortable with, we should tell our parents or any available elder. I ran home on the second day but couldn’t tell my mother because I knew that she revered her pastor. I think I stopped believing in God that day too. I fell in love for the first time when I was fifteen. We used to attend the same JAMB lessons. He was the finest boy in the centre and all the other girls were jealous when he started walking me home. We had big plans; big big plans. Edu had the sweetest tongue ever. He could convince anyone to do anything with just his eyes and licking his amazing lips. We had dated for six months when Edu started pressuring me for sex. “We are going to get married, Mel, so why wait till then? By the way, how sure am I that you are still a virgin”, he said. He made me feel guilty by saying he wasn’t cheating on me because he loved me and wanted me to be his one and only but I still held my ground. Edu eventually raped me but I like to think of it as something I agreed to because thinking I was raped would have made things worse. I later found that Edu slept with every girl that allowed him to in our lesson centre and I broke up with him. The next man in my life was Obinna. He was my class rep; intelligent, handsome, rich. What I did not know was that he was a cultist. When he asked me out, I said yes and I regretted it for the next 6 months. I had three abortions for Obi in six months. I eventually left the school because he promised to kill me if I left him for someone else. I lied to my parents that a cultist wanted to date me and had treatened to kill me if I did not date him so they changed my school without much ado. My new school was a private school. I contested in a pagent and won and all the boys wanted a taste of the body they saw in a trunk. I agreed to date Dafe because he was the most level headed. He could move the earth for me and I thought I had found true love until I caught him kissing his best friend on the night of his graduation party. He told me that we won’t have sex until we got married becuase it was against his religious beliefs. I was glad and for three years he didn’t even try to go beyond the occasional kisses. I swore not to love again after Dafe broke my heart. That lasted until I met Cole during my NYSC though. Cole was a walking GQ model. His mixed race made him irresitible. I was as drawn to him as the other over fifty girls that were on the queue to open an account with his bank in camp. When he called me to ask for a date, I didn’t even form. I was estactic. Cole was every girl’s dream guy; thinking about him could always get me moist in the right places. I found out that I was three months pregnant for cole after we had dated for five months. I was not even bothered because he had always talked about marriage. On the night I told him, I bought baby shoes and wrapped them in a box. I gave them to him after we had a very romantic and satisfying dinner. He opened it and smiled at me with so much love that I started crying. He promised that we would get married immediately so that I won’t have a baby out of wedlock. He asked me not to tell my parents yet until he had gone for the proper introduction. The next day Cole came to my house with some drugs. The packet said they were multi vitamins for a pregnant woman. I drank them with joy and knew in my heart that he would make a great father. That was the worst day of my life. I should have suspected that something was wrong when Cole said that he was sleeping at mine; something he vowed to never do. I was too happy to think about it twice. When the stomach pains started Cole made me hot tea and massaged my waist. He said it was the side effects of the drug. When I saw the blood dripping down my thighs, I knew that there was something wrong. Cole drove me to his friend’s clinic and I was told that I had to have a proper D&C to get rid of the remaining foetus that I had lost. When everything was done and I was discharged, Cole was nowhere to be found. I went home and was worried when all his numbers were off and his house was under lock and key for the next three days that i went there. I got a mail from him telling me that he was sorry and that he had a wife and two kids already in SA. He told me that he gave me the drug because he knew that I would not have agreed to an abortion. I cried my heart out and Uju was my source of strength. Uju was my bunkie in camp and we had become very close friends and we shared an apartment. She told me that I was fooling myself with men and that she was a lesbian because of plenty heart breaks. I tried that too. I dated two girls from amongst the numerous ‘cousins’ that used to come visiting. I knew that I wasn’t happy but I couldn’t trust any man. Three months after the D&C I fainted and after a lot of tests, the doctor told me that my womb was crumbling in lay man terms. I had taken an overdose of that drug and as a result I could not have children again. I would also be in a lot of pain for a long time, he said. I cursed Cole with every word i could think of and in the end I gave my life to Christ. I cut off all ties with Uju and her friends and I was a brand new person. I got a job in an NGO and in no time I was promoted to the top. I met Onyeka during a board meeting with a potential investor. I thought he was the P.A to the boss because of how small and humble he was. I was surprised when he was introduced as the Chairman/CEO of the organisation. We exchanged cards at the end of the meeting and that was how the best part of my life started. Onyi’m is the most dedicated, loving, caring, giving man I know. He is not handsome per se but he makes up for it with his intelligence and aura. My friends were all surprised when they saw him because I have always been all about the fine guys. I knew that I had found a jewel in him. I told him everything about my past and he said we would adopt kids when the time for that came; I was estactic. Onyi’m proposed to me and of course I said yes. We did our introduction two months ago and the wedding is next week. I am sure you are wondering why I would even think about the bottle of sniper i am holding right now. You see, my girls organized a pre-hen party after another friend’s wedding in calabar. They thought that the sin city was the best place to have the party. Strippers were brought and lots of drinks too. I took a little more alcohol than I wanted and I ended up sleeping with Obinna, my ex boyfriend who was a cultist. I never found out how he knew about the party because I was so ashamed of myself that I put the ordeal behind me. I know I used protection that night but I swear I cannot explain how the test results are showing that I am HIV positive and pregnant as well. I have never had sex with Onyi’m and the last time I had sex before the party was almost a year ago. The pregnancy I would be able to pull off if we have sex after the wedding but my HIV status is unexplainable. Onyi’m does not deserve any of this and for this reason, I must end my life. I am sorry Mom for breaking your heart, you took care of us after daddy’s death like only you could and I am sorry I am paying you back this way. I am sorry sis for not being at your wedding and every other owambe you organize. I am sorry Lord for this grievious sin I am about to commit. I want to say I am sorry to everyone whom my action is going to hurt. Onyi’m, I love you from the bottom of my heart.No one has ever shown me the love and care that you have. I know that you would have wanted me to stay alive for as long as I can but I cannot hurt you and this unborn baby. I will never be happy with myself. It was my mistake and I have to bear the cross alone. Thank You for reading. I hope they have internet connection where ever I’d be so I can read your comments. Please, don’t judge me. My name is Melody. I love you all imagesCAMGJBZH

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About shughar

My name is Patrick Jennifer.............. Talkative extraordinaire (aspiring OAP), Professional 'carer', Wanna-be writer, and I am sweetness personified.
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54 Responses to Suicide

  1. jay laoye says:

    I love dis write up pls keep it up

    Like

  2. emmanuel says:

    Touching story,ladies learn from this….

    Like

  3. bobby says:

    Most best thing about dis piece is that it doesn’t allow u stop halfway. Very nice1 jennifer.

    Like

  4. @zaisygurl says:

    Nice one

    Like

  5. arnytah says:

    Its quite scary… Bt she was 2 vulnerable. She doesn’t need 2 take her life tho

    Like

  6. el_luz1 says:

    This is a rili nice write-up and I hope its just fiction.. But then, there are lessons to learn, not all that glitters are gold coz it seems she allowed herself to be cheated for going after cute guys who literally only want to steal from her in the emotion way… And then, come what may on the excuse of not wanting to hurt the baby and the deserving dude is not enough reason to see suicide as a way out… Its called chicken-out which rili is never enof to go suicidal….

    Like

  7. Ibraheeym says:

    Fictional….nyc write-up…Always notify me wen u ave a new write-up..♥

    Like

  8. Kelvin says:

    Well The Choice Is Ur’s, If U Kill Ur Self U Will End Up In Hell. Even If Ur Hiv Positive That’s Not The End Of Ur Life, Forget Abt The Past And Serve God In Spirit And In Truth And I Believe One Day That Hiv Will Disappear, There’s Not God Cannot Do And When He’s Involve In Ur Matter. The Word Impossible Doesn’t Exit, That’s My Advise For U, Think Abt It And God Bless.

    Like

  9. Anonymous says:

    Well The Choice Is Ur’s, If U Kill Ur Self U Will End Up In Hell. Even If Ur Hiv Positive That’s Not The End Of Ur Life, Forget Abt The Past And Serve God In Spirit And In Truth And I Believe One Day That Hiv Will Disappear, There’s Not God Cannot Do And When He’s Involve In Ur Matter. The Word Impossible Doesn’t Exit, That’s My Advise For U, Think Abt It And God Bless..

    Like

  10. elsie says:

    Wow! Nice one jenny. Really nice. This is the ordeal of a proper naive girl who never had the friendship kinda relationship every girk must have with their mother. Keep it up and please post more often

    Like

  11. izy says:

    Gosh this seems so real n riveting! I almost cried at a point in time… More pls

    Like

  12. Anonymous says:

    Nice job you’re doing! Keep it up!!

    Like

  13. okpani says:

    Damn…

    Like

  14. Xlady says:

    lol! Internet ke?

    Like

  15. isaiah says:

    Nice one jany but my advice is for her to
    go to God he has a final sir

    Like

  16. isaiah says:

    Nice one jany but my advice is for her to
    go to God he has the final say

    Like

  17. Anonymous says:

    Nice piece……..Captivating!

    Like

  18. Bukunmi says:

    Deep writeup! Nice!

    Like

  19. thzuglynigga says:

    Nice one dear. Cool story, nice continuity, captivating too. Toward the ending was kinda touching buh jux cnt cry :). Big up.

    Like

  20. @FhesTee says:

    This is interesting, touching, nice write up.. Even if it’s a fiction, such ordeal has happened in some people’s life. No more words I could use ’cause someone said what I wanted to say. Nice one, but abeg use limit your grammar eh, haba!

    Like

  21. Dj kingsize says:

    *standing ovation***

    Like

  22. nwachukwu says:

    well, its true and very factual. i dnt want to be subjective about d character( dnt want to be analytical), but its a nice piece. i guess she is a bini girl(from her name)( no offense meant).
    jennifer, where the erotic story na?

    Like

  23. Anonymous says:

    Best thing I did with my *useless* airtel internet was read this.
    Like how you worked up the chic’s escapade…but why do ’em bad chics end with gO_Od boys 😐

    Like

  24. Anonymous says:

    I Used To Say,Suicide Is Not The Answer,But This Got Me Speechless,Think Suicide Is The Answer.*Wipes Tears*

    Like

  25. lilchopsy says:

    Lol Don’t Mind Me Tho,God Is The Answer……. Nice Piece

    Like

  26. Anonymous says:

    This is deep, thrilling & epic! I almost thought I was in a cinema… More power to your fingers J ❤

    Like

  27. L.P says:

    Phew….thank God it’s fictional,however perseverance and inadequate orientation and subdues are major causes…it all boils down to good,effective decision making_all said and done good write-up….

    Like

  28. sandra says:

    Good story Jenny. *thumbs up*

    Like

  29. toyinalabi says:

    Wow! What a life wasted.

    Like

Kindly show a sister some love and comment..............tnx :*

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